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February 2009 
Percy, Me, and Mistress Gravity
Posted on Jul 27th, 2008
by 
kcidybom
kcidybom
I'd like to make an introduction today.
Everyone, this is Percy, my favorite cat of all time.
Percy
Percy, I'd like you to meet everyone. These are the people I hang out with when I'm giggling, crying or throwing up my hands in elation or despair when I'm staring at that bright window-like thing with the little mouse you like to chase around the screen ... ummm, like now. Hey! Stop!
....
....
Percy, where are your manners? What do you say?
<mrrrooooowwwww! meaaaa, mrooow.>
That's better Percy. You'll really like these people. They're the cat's meow. Oh, sorry, my bad. They're really cool. That better? Oh come back. Don't be mad. Sheesh, such a touchy disposition. Well, I'll make it up to Percy later with food, or maybe a long and languorous scratching of that spot just behind his pointy little ears that makes him go all goo-goo eyed.
Well, while he can't see what I type I gotta tell you about that "favorite cat of all time" thing. You see, he really is my favorite cat of all time, but then again I've had lots of favorite cats of all time. It's like ranking love. "Oooo, you're my favorite, mostest, bestest love of ever and ever." Nope, can't do that. All my loves are my favorite, mostest, bestest love of ever and ever. Love for cats, or people, is for me a switch, not a rheostat. Yes or no, never somewhat. At this stage of my life it's the one thing I'm absofuckinlutely sure of. Get it? Hope so.
Well, the other day Percy decided to test my love for him. He did this by getting into a fight with a neighboring monster tomcat. Now Percy is no slouch in the tomcat department even if he has been de-nutted. He's still big and muscular and fearless, but the cat he chose to have it out with was, truly, a monster tomcat. Huge, mean, eats Nine-Lives Ocean Perch, Nails, and Driveway Gravel for breakfast, with a little bit of used clay kitty-litter for a chaser.
At some point Percy decided that the better part of valor was to run up a tree, up farther than monster-tom could go, which he did. Forty feet give or take a meter. Hmmmm, is that a mixed metaphor of the third kind? Anyway, there he sat, on a big branch, for two days. I tried to get him down. The ladder I have access to was way too short. I tried coaxing him with food. I even got on the roof of the house-by-the-tree and built an aerial sidewalk out of framing lumber, old scratch pads, and rope. It was a masterpiece of improvisational construction, but noooo, Percy just rubbed his chin on it and refused to simply walk across 20 or so feet of rickety scary scaffolding to the safety of my arms. Damned favorite cat! It slowly dawned on me that big bad brusque bruiser Percy is afraid of heights. Make that terrified. How silly. It's like being an earthworm who's afraid of dirt.
Since the fire department no longer rescues treed cats ("What?" the 911 dispatcher asked in disbelief, "We'll come get a bear, but not a cat. That's on you buddy.") I only saw two options; pay for a boom truck and crew or, more reasonably, rent a tall ladder. Option two, here we go; "I'd like a 48 foot extension ladder please, with a side of fries, to go." Did you ever try to drive a little Volvo around while balancing a 48 foot ladder on the roof, tied on only with rope and hope? Fun time, I'll tell ya. Every dip in the road was a lesson in inertia, gravity, and cantilevered chicanery. I got it there. I set it up. I climbed up. Whew! Percy's not half-baked here; the top of a fully extended 48 foot ladder is way way up there and gravity is a very strict and unforgiving mistress. I used to paint church steeples as a way to stay out of trouble during college summertimes. I must have been crazy.
Percy waited, with great anticipation written on his furry face; that is until I got to within a few feet of him. Then he backed up, just a stitch out of reach, and sat purring and rubbing his chin on the branch. The operative clause here is "out of reach." It took all of my considerable feline negotiating skills, not to mention great ankle strength and gravity defying bravado, to coax Percy back to within reach, but finally the moment arrived. I didn't know what to expect. Would he go wild and claw his way even higher, would he rip my flesh like the weasels in the Mother's of Invention song, would he jump and use up one of his nine lives?
I patted his head and tried my damnedest to make him believe I was simply there to say hello and nothing else ... then I grabbed the scruff of his neck and swung him out over open space. He did nothing, nothing at all. He just went totally limp. It was like rescuing a strand of rice noodle. I only had one arm free so I backed down the ladder slowly, carefully, Percy limp and compliant. Suddenly, a few rungs from the bottom, there were some very weird noises: hoots, yays and clapping. During the operation a dozen or so people from the neighborhood had come to watch the spectacle. Once on the ground Percy took a bow. I didn't. I was too stiff and there was a gallon of adrenaline flowing through me I hadn't noticed before.
One of my daughters gave Percy his dish. He ate greedily, tongued a little water, stretched in that oh sooo catty way, and walked to a chair on the porch and took a nap. Sheesh. The gall of that little fuzzball. He never even thanked me.
Well, he does love me, in that favorite, mostest, bestest way he has, and that's thanks enough.
Oh hey Percy, you're back. 'Sup dude? Am I forgiven? Food? Sure, just a sec little buddy.........
Access: Public
I have a fear of heights, Albert. Not the kind that has a medical name and the kind that Hitchcock would make a movie about, but it's the only reason I don't fly. Even though I have Superman's powers. Your description of the 48 feet to rescue kitty - er, Percy - left me very, very dizzy indeed and it was a lot of fun too. Especially since I happen to love fries and ate them while you were up there.
Two whole days! Percy, didn't you get hungry?
Hey Praveer. But do you wear Superman's cape?
On day one I nailed two 10 foot boards together and taped his dish to the end. On the roof of the house I was able to hold it out to the branch he was on. He ate and drank. I didn't want to keep doing that though. I was afraid Percy would think that the tree was his new living place and that I'd always just climb up there and feed him. Besides, I missed his strutting around on terra firma.
ouch de-nutted…I thought you love Percy. One of our cats got way up in a tree and she was meowing like a fool. The bride said…call the fire department…and I said why, to douse me out. I went in the yard and pulled out our garden hose and shot a dose of water way the hell up the tree. Before long kitty kat got the hint…she flew down. I gave her an extra dose when she came within range.
Well, the vet did use an anesthetic. At least I think so. I couldn't stick around to witness that particular procedure. <shiver>
And I don't think there's enough water pressure here to have used that trick … ;-)
That was a great story. I love your story telling style! Thanks.
I wonder what the cats do who haven't yet trained human minions to go and rent ladders? I haven't seen any cat skeletons up in trees so they must have some system.
Hey sherri. I think Percy is a better storyteller though. I'm just his scribe.
Jeannie - I have seen groups of cats congregating on moonless nights down by the old oak tree. Do you think maybe they're developing the minion system? I'm wondering….
This is me ooohing and ahhhing and clapping .
Albert saviour of Percy (the bestest name),hero to all felines.
Thanks B.B. I wasn't always that way though. I had to learn to love cats, humans, everything. It took a few years.
i crawled around in the yard with scraps of food begging Minerva to please join us back inside the house. she started her bit again with running out. not going to happen again. deadbolted the front door. she was rolling in the tall grass probably waiting for the bunnies and hedgehog to come out to play.
Percy is soooooooooooo beautiful!
Yes, he's almost as georgeous as I am. mwahahahahaha … ahem. Please excuse.
If Minerva runs up a tree don't forget that I'm in practice now.
Albert, your Percy has quite the vocabulary and sense of adventure! Sounds to me like he is teaching you some stuff and inviting you to join in?
You should make up a Gaia profile for Percy. This puss is no wuss.
:)
I love it … this puss is no wuss. I'll invite him. If he declines I may take that name for myself.
Krissy can speak! Krissy can speak! It's a miracle. Praise cat-lovin' superman-cape-wearin' je-sus!
Glad I could work that out for ya man … ;-)
Of course she can speak … I just can't get her to play scrabulous.
great piece of storytelling by the way… right there with you.
Thanks Donny.
I can relate to what you said about the favorite cat of all time - right now. I find that what ever cat I'm looking at in the moment is the most beautifutl cat ever! There's something about the tempermental little fuzzballs …. so glad you were able to get Percy down. What a great gift he gave by providing an opportunity to confront fear of heights.
Meow!
I agree … as long as he doesn't make a habit of it. … ;-)
Percy is one damn lucky cat, Albert. We know he got his. Did someone scratch YOU behind the ears and bring you a dish of water? you are the hero of this story. That was an awesome rescue!
I have to echo Donny. Krissy, you spoke! That's like the Cheshire Cat.
No Carla, but I was handed a beer and a pretzel. Does that count?
And Krissy smiles like the Cheshire cat too Praveer. It's a cool smile.
And Donny, Kritty writes too … ;-)
i should introduce you and Percy to my cats, Chelsea and Splat. Chelsea is a sweetie pie, but Splat is a black ninja terror of a cat. He lies in wait for us in all kinds of places and attacks our feet. He chews on electrical cords. He… I could write volumes but time does not permit :)
Sweet precious Percy….I dont like heights either…I cannot stand up against a window in a tall building…have to stand back and lean forward a iittle…so I cant say as I blame him. Hes pampered and loved…just perfect as animals should be. Constant companions to be sure…and I agree with Carla, ALbert…Percy is lucky! And I'm sure he knows it too! hugs to Percy…and you!
Great story. I loved this line describing his rival, “Huge, mean, eats Nine-Lives Ocean Perch, Nails, and Driveway Gravel for breakfast, with a little bit of used clay kitty-litter for a chaser.” Percy is a lucky man to have someone like you whose willing (forgive this) to “go out on limb” for him. :-) Gorgeous piece, Albert. I loved the voice.
We have a whole “cast of feline characters” living in our neighbourhood, and most of them are on the prowl, despite a cat-licensing by-law, etc. The cat I am an “endentured servant” to is called, “Sasha.” She is technically my daughter's cat, but seeing as Sasha is almost 17, and my daughter spends 2/3 of the year away at university, I have taken on the job of being her lady-maid.
Sasha is an affectionate, albeit demanding sort. I once gave her the nickname, “Sashka-Patashka-Lalashka-Manashka Queeeeeeeeeen of the Gypsies,” when she was have a particularly “regal” day. I shall leave you with this quote, as it seems particularly apt:
“A catless writer is almost inconceivable. It's a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys.” ~Barbara Holland
wow. you are a dedicated cat lover. I am not so dedicated. I would leave the cat up there and not feed it until it decided it was hungry enough to overcome it's fears and come down. I'm that heartless 911 dispatcher you talked to. :-)
Jewel, Jordan's cat, loves to fence walk. One day I saw her walking all prancy and queenlike along the top of the wood fence just outside the kitchen window. I couldn't resist the sudden urge to reach out quickly and rap loudly on the window which is about 3 feet from the fence. She jumped, startled, into the air and landed back on the fence, significantly less regal looking however and shot me a look that told me I would probably die a horrible, cat organized death in my sleep sometime soon. I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face and I had sore laugh muscles the next day. Jewel may have fortgiven me, but I don't think she has forgotten. She sleeps by my feet, but only if Jordan isn't home.
nice. hi Percy, kitty, kitty!
i'm not a cat person but i love watching cats!
so for all cat lovers out there, here's ”the best cat video you'll ever see” :)
~C
Nicole - I would love chelsea I'm sure, but I'd love love love Splat. What an great name! Ha!
Julia - I'm the luck one what with the likes of Percy in my life. And yeah, he is perfect just as he is. Really.
otter - I love that quote by Holland. It's true! I know about that 'technical' thing. Percy is 'technically' my daughter's cat, but then so is Slither the snake, Puff the dead chinchilla, and maybe soon a dog named Mobley.
Dawn - yeah, I think Jeannie's right. Never seeing cat skeletons in trees means they probably eventually do come down on their own. I'm just a big softie. And that most certainly was not you at dispatch - I'd know.
~C4 - Thanks for the cat vid but I'm at work until tomorrow evening and streaming media is blocked here (and they get antsy if you hit up on a proxy) - I'll look at it tomorrow.
Love all you gais.
yes, i think you and Splat were made for each other, Albert. And Splat is only his primary name - black ninja terror or BNT, attack cat(loved those attacking cat in the vid C4! lol I recognised the energy…), etc etc… he was named by my daughter's friend who was around 18 at the time and loved the way he tends to splat wherever he wants and make himself at home….
Having learned years ago during my rock and ice climbing days that gravity isn't just a good idea……. it's the LAW! My climbing partner for years was and is the fire chief here. When the call comes in for the stuck kitty in the tree, he has one response; is it on fire? Wonderful story, Albert-O, once a cat person, always a cat person!
~C4 - I finally got home and saw the cat vid. Hilarious. Cats are the most sophisticated goofs on the planet. Human babies learn to say mama or dada first. Kittens learn to say “I intended to do that.” before anything else.
Nicole - yeah, I kinda splat wherever whenever too … ;-)
Geo - A good law indeed. Otherwise the Earth would have to suck to keep us all from floating off.
Albert, everyone's already said everything. But I just had to post a “heeeeee-lar-iii-ous!
Thanks 'Lil. 'Preciate it!
oh hah hah.. fab story, fab cat. SO cat-like. don’t you just love them? Well, you know I do.
The neighbours are away and their cat has adopted us. She sleeps on our bed as if it’s where she’s slept all her life. Meows outside and stomps in irritably when we finally give in and let her inside. She meows again as if to say, about bloody time, and then off to the bed she trots, for a good bath and purring session, with the occasional grunt to say, where are you and why are you not here where it’s warm and you can pet me with ease?
Kittens learn to say “I intended to do that.” before anything else.
!!!! Yes!
Ah yes Sandra, you do know cats. Indeed…;-)