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life
February 2009 
Chapter 60
Posted on Oct 7th, 2008
by 
kcidybom
kcidybom
It's pretty strange, this life thing. Big boy of scalding anger, the one who fights first and asks questions later calls me "Sir" and moves deferentially, intentionally deflated, in my presence. A yogini, a teacher of Bhakti I think, or maybe Dharma, and a habitue of Diamond Mountain and acquaintance of Geshe Michael Roach, tells me what's up without really telling me. My sisters track me down. I've made that difficult, but not impossible, so they do it. My mother lies dying from a fall she would have shrugged off were she not eighty-eight. My mother, Queen of don't make waves, allowed too many things. To happen. To boy me. But I never understood. Maybe I do now. I whisper in her ear "I forgive you. I'm sorry. I love you." My sisters say she told them to tell me she was sorry for what she had not done and that she forgave me. Last week, before words fled her lips. This time I go, and she says her last words. "The World is beautiful." Two more days and no more words. A clock, mainspring unwinding. It takes a long time. I call the school. Big boy attacked some adults, staff I presume, and will be shipped out to a residential therapeutic program. Shit. I see a friend I haven't seen in many years. It's all so emotional. I cry, he puts his arm over my shoulder and just sits. I feel better afterward. I still do.
Access: Public
I think I understood this the best that I could.
Albert, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Sometimes experiences are so intense that the only way they can come out is via the “telegraph.” Say good-bye to the angry boy for me.
Albert … sending comfort to you(r) angry boy who is saying goodbye and I forgive me … and to your mother in the aftermath of her long life. I feel even more kindredness with you tonight … then I have we've both shared about our families/lives. I'm glad your friend was there … I 'spect theres more of those tears to come.
love and hugs,
peri
“the world is beautiful.” heartbreakingly, inexplicably, wildly, wholly beautiful. I'm glad you are in it albert. you make it even more so. thank you for this chapter 60. I feel honored to have read it.
loving thoughts to you now
Holding you close dear Albert. Know that my heart is with you and that my arms encircle you. Thank you for sharing this heartwrenching blog and I am in awe of the last words of your Mother “The world is beautiful” how utterly profound in that moment.
Allow all those tears and feeling to just bubble forth, give yourself permission to feel and do whatever you need to at this time to take care of yourself. Allow us to take care of you, to hold you, to stroke your hair, to nurture you. I am stroking your hair from here…
all my love and care
Julia
peace
this is so intense, i am silent, just here with you
Oh Albert, rain and acorns are falling here as I think of you my friend. The heart can be both touched by and touching everything.
Thank you so much everyone. Sometimes I feel like the Captain of a huge vessel, and sometimes like a steerage passenger. Time now is of the latter sort, although I know it won't be forever.
My mother passed away this morning at 02:58. It was time and the words “The World is beautiful.” turned out indeed to be her last. A good way to say a parting. We have not been close for many years yet I find myself missing her unaccountably much. My mother apparently decided years ago and to have an equal share of her ashes distributed to each of us. Seven little urns. I don't know what I'll do with mine yet. The angry boy is already gone from the school, and I expect I'll not see him again. A different sort of parting.
Love to you all. I appreciate each of you so much.
yep, “the world is beautiful”…I think that is about all there really is to say.Thank you Albert. You are quite a weave of all that energy, don't-rock-the-boat notwithstanding….and mothers! it is amazing to know they are where we come from in the transition into now…it is a mystery.I am holding you in my thoughts with love.Jane
waves of cyber-hugs to you Albert. thank you so much for sharing.
The world is beautiful and you are beautiful to share your soul - bare your soul, Albert. I am crying for joy at this moment immersed in the beauty of understanding this saying good-bye, this ambivalence, this feeling that you shared so beautifully. This world is beautiful, even in its pain. Thank you.
I was here a couple of times
not sure what to say
you have said it all
summed up life the way it is sometimes
and how you are
and how that makes it o.k.
more than o.k.
how it makes it beautiful
the way it is often enhanced with sadness
the reality of it
yours and theirs
Hey Jane, DLil, DrJaz, and B.B. Your words mean more than I know how to say.
Albert…..
Wonderful. I don't know what to do with the of the ashes either